Loss and Grieving

Loss and Grieving

PsychOptions™ Click topic: Loss Grieving Death Suicide

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Loss

Life is filled with loss – some are minor ( a torn favorite jacket) and others are monumental ( the sudden death of a child). Then there are those losses that are somewhere in-between – the loss of a job or a stolen car. And each and every one of us would categorize these losses somewhat differently – some would see a job loss as monumental and another, possibly the loss of a favorite jacket. Then some losses are so gradual they actually seem to sneak up on us and surprise us in the mirror – suddenly, one day. The lines around the eyes that were never there before, that extra inch of forehead or extra inch or four of waist. The " thank you, ma’am" that seemingly one day replaced," can I help you, Miss?" Supposedly as one thing was lost something else was put in its place. Still we don’t like to substitute or replace. The fifty-year-old who can now afford that sports car, has lost his youthful appearance and somehow " creaks," getting in and out of his sleek, but low-to-the ground vehicle. Soon there is the realization, that we’re NOT going to have our cake and eat it too!!!! How do we both hold onto our dreams and let go of them at the same time? And the greatest loss would probably be the loss of our dreams and our hopes. Somehow we need to cling to these, however small or distant, for surely, our dreams are our future and the hope thereof. A favorite poem by William Butler Yeats is entitled: He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven, in which he compares his dreams to a cloth, spread under feet, and begs the person to "tread softly" (because he then treads on his dreams). Even if all else is lost, hope and dreams must remain.

Grieving

In order to move on, we need to keep hope alive and to grieve what we have lost and no longer can have again – our youth, innocence, a job, a divorce, children leaving home, the attainment of a major goal, and also the death of a friend or loved one. In order to move on, grieving must take place and one must grieve the loss and find new purpose and goals in life. How long it takes to grieve and what that new purpose or goal will be will be different for everyone. Kubler-Ross defined and explored the five stages of death: Denial and isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then finally acceptance. Her contribution to the field was the shattering of the silence that surrounded those who were dying and those who treated the sick and dying. We now had a frame of reference, and could comprehend the process as taking place in stages – which allowed for understanding and a normalcy in this part of life we called, death and dying. ( See Kubler-Ross, 1969, in the Bibliotherapy section.)

Still it’s one thing to understand that there are stages and it is another to go through them or watch someone else go through them. Still to grieve and to do it well, we must do the work of grieving and there is no " quick fix" or " pill" that will do it for us, or get us through the grieving on any time schedule.

Death and grieving – death of a spouse/ friend/ family member

There is no set length of time for grieving – no time you are supposed to be " all better."
Your grieving will depend on many factors, including the importance of` this relationship to you. Some ambivalent relationships may cause some of the most difficult grieving.
Immediately after a death, you will be in shock, feel disoriented, disorganized, and may even think you see or hear your deceased spouse – this is quite common.
Your loss is the worst loss – because it is you who are feeling the pain – the death of a spouse is painful.
Yes, you have to go through the pain and grieve, but you do not have to do it alone. Seek the help of supportive friends and when you are ready – a support group. You can find a loss/ death/ bereavement website at: http://www.death-dying.com/ with support and helpful advice.

Yes, there is HOPE and in time the pain will lessen and even go away – but the memories will remain. But you need to grieve and say good-by, in order to embrace life again and to be open to other possibilities.( See Tousley: Finding Your Way Through Grief: A Guide for the First Year and other suggested readings in the Grief/Loss section of the Bibliotherapy section.)

Suicide

If you have lost a spouse, a loved one, or a friend to suicide you will also need to mourn the loss, including many other feelings, likely anger and shock. Please link to Survivors of Suicide, a web site that offers support and help to those who have lost a loved one to suicide.

If you have experienced a loss and would like a session or two with PsychOptions™ to discuss your loss, you can go directly to our Registration site, for accessing services, or view the Types of Services/Rates available. If you are having suicidal thoughts, see If You're Suicidal.

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