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Click on a topic:      Member of the Family         Losing a Pet     Mourning Pet Loss        Helpful Suggestions after Pet Loss    Anticipating/ Mourning Death    Pet Therapy     Pocket Pets       Pet Dignity/ Adoption    Pet Loss References/Books

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Animals have been a part of the "human fabric" -- and dogs and cats in particular have lived with humans for thousands of years. There is clearly a human-animal bond and in some instances it is so strong that the loss of a pet can evoke the same degree of grieving (if not more) as the loss of another human. As an example of a dog’s devotion to his owner: In Edinburgh, Scotland, there is a sculpture, near the Greyfrier’s church, of the famous Westhighland terrier, Greyfrier’s Bobby. For 14 years the terrier kept a vigil at his master’s grave in the churchyard -– only leaving once a day to find food. There is a bond and a loyalty between humans and animals that can be as deep as any and everlasting.

Pet Therapy

Although there is a new emerging field of Pet Therapy, those who love animals have always known intuitively the benefits of having an animal companion: Unconditional love – no matter who you are or what ridiculous thing you did that day, the animal doesn’t care. The all important sense of touch is involved with most pets (except, maybe fish) and it has been shown that animals improve health, they can lower blood pressure and heart rate and help a person relax (Voith, VL: Attachment of people to companion animals. In Quackenbush J and Voith VL: The Human-Companion Animal Bond: Veterinary Clinics of North America: Small Animal Practice, Vol. 15 (2), 1985). Animals can be helpful to the elderly and those who live alone – providing love, exercise, a purpose and reason "to go on"!            

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  Member of the Family     

Animals/pets become a member of our family, completing the circle, and a part of our daily routine. They offer companionship, and can bring great joy and laughter. Each pet has his/her own personality and some pets can be "real characters" and brighten up a household. They become a part of our family history and associations. They can then symbolically come to represent a " period of time" or a " particular family member." A dog or cat that was the "symbolic" brother or sister of a child that has now grown and left home is also the representative (carrier of) all those childhood memories. Family pet members can come in all sizes, and can include birds, fish, snakes, and pigs to name a few. The loss of that animal through death is also the loss of and grieving of that " period of time" now gone forever. It is like losing a brother, a sister, a child, or a friend. Everyone in a family has its place, personality and role in that family. The loss of any family member, pets included, leaves an empty space for that family. Something and someone is missing, and the family needs to acknowledge the loss, and grieve, in order to say good-by. And it is not the ending that should be our focus ultimately, but rather the joy and good memories that remain, and that the pet was in fact a member of the family and will be forever after.

Pet Dignity/ Adoption

Along this note, there are some wonderful organizations that believe in and support  kindness, respect, and dignity for all animals. These organizations are working toward a goal of " no more homeless pets," and provide a home for these animals, while searching for an appropriate and loving, permanent home. If you are interested in learning more about the prevention of homelessness, or are ready to adopt a pet, you might want to explore the Best Friends home page ( Animal Sanctuary located in  Southern Utah) at their web address: http://www.bestfriends.com.  Another outstanding service to homeless animals is the " no kill " animal shelter in Pittsburgh called Animal Friends, which has dogs and cats available for adoption and provides many resources on pet loss and grieving in their Pet Links section.  Animal Friends can be found at the following web site: http://animal-friends.org.          

Pocket Pets      

We can become equally attached to our smaller animal friends, such as pocket pets (hamsters or gerbils) and their loss can also require grieving and letting go. There can be sadness over the loss of a fish or  a lizard that one has somehow bonded with and incorporated into our daily lives.                                                                               [Top]

 Losing a Pet     

As a youngster, I bought a chameleon, whom (not which) I named "Clyde." I took Clyde with me everywhere and to his favorite tree stump to catch flies. I even put up with his somewhat disconcerting shedding of skin, which I didn’t care too much for. But I bonded with Clyde and he bonded with me. Then I went to visit my grandmother and could not bring Clyde with me -- and shortly after, Clyde died. It was my mother who had traveled to visit me at my grandmother's  and who told me about it. Even I did not, until that moment, recognize the degree to which I had bonded with Clyde -- and shortly afterwards -- began to cry. Even when asked what I was crying about, I contrived another socially acceptable (as a thought at age 10) reason – as I could not say that "I was crying over the loss of a (my) chameleon." I also remember the guilt I felt because I had left Clyde behind and that no one knew where to find his favorite tree for feasting on fresh flies. I also became angry that no one could have saved Clyde or somehow gotten him to eat – or even recognized how important Clyde was to me. I was mostly angry at myself for not being there for Clyde; for leaving him. But like every death, I had to experience the many stages that a person experiences over the loss of someone whom you have connected with (yes, even a chameleon): First denial or shock, then anger and guilt (" if only" ) and then working out the loss until resolution and acceptance. It is important to recognize that an animal – even something small and lizardlike – can become very meaningful to a child or an adult – and the loss can have particular meaning and significance to that person or family. (See Pet Loss in Bibliotherapy.) 

It  is important to recognize the significance and importance of a pet to a child and the need to talk about and grieve that loss. No pet loss should be taken lightly and " exploring feelings around the loss " with the child may be helpful. No child should be forced into discussing feelings he/she is not ready to discuss, but the " door should be left open" for discussion when the child is ready. If a child does not want to discuss the loss, but experiences changes in behaviors ( sadness/ loss of appetite/loss of interest in usual things) that do not resolve in a month or two, then professional help should be sought. (See also Helpful Suggestions after Pet Loss and Mourning the Loss of a Loved Pet just below.) (See also Children and Pet Loss  by Tousley, under Pet Loss, in the Bibliotherapy section.)

Anticipating and Mourning Death                                                                        [Top]

It is one thing to have a special pet family member die suddenly, and also another to " anticipate death" either due to an illness that may be nearing the end of its course -- or possibly  the need to euthanize a pet family member. Anyone faced with this decision soon realizes the agony that can develop over such a decision. Because pets often cannot tell us when they are in pain, or not in pain, it is hard to decide -- for the pet -- when that pet has had enough? Many emotions may arise: guilt, anger, sadness. Also thoughts: " Am I prolonging my pet's life for my own selfish reasons?" or " Am I thinking of euthanizing my pet for my own convenience?" Also, there can be differences of opinion by different family members as to when the pet member should be euthanized, based on each person's own perspective, beliefs, and involvement. All feelings and thoughts are possible and normal. And one of the hardest decisions is " deciding when (what day) to euthanize" and also knowing " when it is right?"

Erin -- 7 mos          Erin "talking" -- age 11

My Corgi pal -- a personal decision to euthanize

Erin, the Corgi

Erin was part of the family for at least eleven years -- he loved to go outside and " just  talk and talk and talk and talk." I think the neighbors thought he was just barking, making noise -- but we knew better, Erin was "talking; he was expressing himself." Erin was also stubborn and determined -- he accomplished whatever he put his mind to. No human was going to stand in his way. He would get that look and plant his front paws -- and that was that. We knew not to argue at that point. Then around the 10th year Erin developed a real unusual blood disorder and his red blood count dropped dramatically and he" almost died." He was in doggie ICU for days, and I even thought at one point -- I need to accept he is likely not going to make it. But, that determined Corgi did make it -- somehow ( thanks to good veterinary care, a few prayers, and a Corgi's determination). Then about a year later, Erin's back legs began to experience weakness and soon developed into a strange gait. Nothing neurological or otherwise could be found. I thought possibly the mega-doses (and I mean massive) of cortisone required to save his life, had some ultimate effect. Little by little his back legs lost their ability to propel this Corgi who liked to stand in the yard and talk -- and climb the stairs to sleep under the desk in my office.

The struggle -- limbo

Several times a day, Erin would go to the bottom of the stairs and look up -- like a mountain climber sizing up Mount Everest. Then step-by-step he would somehow maneuver himself, facing first one way to get up his weakened back legs, then somehow turn and climb to the next level. Step by step, back and forth, till he made it up to the top. Often I carried him, but soon that became difficult for me. It was hard to watch and yet I tried to leave Erin with as much independence as possible, and dignity. Often, as a family member, I felt the stress -- of having to " watch" the struggles, and even becoming tired of carrying him up -- when he yearned to go to the top (of course coming back down later to do it all over again). Some days I blocked out Erin's struggles and even wondered if I denied his on-going decline and other days I wondered if " he were miserable" and just couldn't tell me about it. There were days I thought," maybe, I should put him to sleep now," but somehow, just couldn't do it. Sometimes I would ask others what they thought, as if looking for " someone to just tell me what to do." 

The decision -- realization

Then one day, Erin could not move. His back legs totally betrayed him and he was " stuck in place." He now seemed worn out and depressed. He could no longer hobble out to the yard " to talk'" and he could no longer climb the stairs -- just sitting there looking to the top of Everest. He seemed in pain, though he could not say that he was, and movements like sitting up or lying down became a struggle. How did I now know -- come to realize -- that this was  the time to give Erin the peace he deserved? I'm not sure, except that I  "knew  Erin."  I knew that Erin needed to " move with determination and be mobile." Erin was not happy to just sit on a pillow on a sofa to be waited on. I knew that walking to the yard and talking joyfully was important to him. I knew that his " quality of life" had almost disappeared and I suspected that any movement now was essentially painful for him -- with little or no moments of relief. I then knew that any prolonging of his life was for my benefit and not for his. The final decision actually took a long, long  time -- and was a process, even though it seems as though it was made in an instant. Somehow, I  "just knew."

The Final Day -- Euthanasia

The day was dreaded -- as no realization, that this is the (intellectually) right time, can ever remove the emotions or prepare one for that final moment. I knew that some people choose not to be there with their animal, but I felt that I did not want Erin alone -- to die with strangers. Maybe my nursing background helped in that I had seen death before and did not have to wonder about that part of it.  I held him in my arms instead as that final dose was administered and I cried. It was all so fast and sudden. There was no pain and he appeared to be at peace; actually asleep. I required re-assurance that he was in fact dead, and asked that his heart be checked several times to be sure there was no mistake. It was important that I know he " was gone and at peace."

I still had my moments of questioning if he could have/ should have had more time, still realizing that " in my heart" I had made the right decision for Erin. Still doubts about the decision would re-emerge as I remembered Erin in better times, forgetting what his life was like in his final months. No decision is perfectly arrived at or free of its doubts. However, when it comes to pet euthanasia, there is a balance that involves "quality of life" and "suffering" that must be considered. Also, there is the pet him- or herself -- and that pet's personality and special needs. Only the family members can know what quality of life means to their pet family member -- and the changes (loss) that have taken place over time. When the scale begins to weigh heavily on a poor "quality of life" and pet "suffering," then decisions must then weigh in on the side of the pet's best interest. The pet's human friend and owner must find ways to say good-bye and receive support during this difficult process. 

Pet Loss References/ Books

There are several book available to help you prepare for difficult decisions about pet loss -- or in just knowing your animal friend is close to death. The Final Farewell by Marty Tousley, a bereavement counselor, helps owners deal with the impending loss of a pet and explores decisions about euthanasia, pre-planning for death, support, and loss. (See Pet Loss in Bibliotherapy section.) Tousley's book on Children and Pet Loss, can also be found in the Bibliotherapy section.  Another title ,  Finding Your Way Through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, can be ordered through Marty Tousley's site, by clicking on: http://www.griefhealing.com/findingyourway.htm. ( Or see information in PsychOptions' Bibliotherapy section, Loss and Grief.) Marty Tousey's site, Grief Healing,  which offers spiritual inspiration and support for both human and pet-animal family members can be found at: http://www.griefhealing.com.  Another excellent book on the human-animal bond in both life and death is a text written by Dr. Julie Kaufman entitled, Crossing the Rubicon. You may review the information including a copy of the cover on Dr. Kaufman's web site: The New Animal Chiropractic and Holistic Health Forum. This title is also listed in the Bibliotherapy section and Dr. Kaufman's  web site can be found on the PsychOptions' Links page.

If you have lost a pet and you are feeling suicidal or that can’t go on – then you need immediate professional help and support. You need someone to help you work through this. Your loss is real and your feelings are real – and you need someone to help you through this period of pain and mourning (See If You’re Suicidal).

If you’ve lost a pet, it may be helpful to read the following (below),  Mourning the Loss of a Loved Pet.   

Mourning is a process , but not a linear one. Sometimes we retreat to an earlier stage, but don’t stay there quite as long the next time. It takes time and working through several important stages in freeing ourselves from the pain, but not the fond memories. Following are several stages you will need to experience and work through in order to make room for another pet to love. All the feelings and emotions you are experiencing are normal and even with resolution, you will always have the memories of the pet that was once a part -- and likely an important part -- of your life.

Oh, so much easier to do – but when your pet is dead, or you must euthanize your pet – you need to accept this reality. There may be shock and denial – but finally you realize – that this wonderful part of your life is gone forever.

It is important to give yourself or others permission for showing grief. If you block the pain at this stage, it will take that much longer to grieve; it is normal to cry and even sob over a loss. This is a visible sign of how important our pet friend was to us and in some way honors the place held by the pet in our lives.

Stage III.   Accept a Place without the Deceased

Time is needed to actually grieve and to say good-bye; it is grieving plus time that helps stop the pain, not just time alone. You must now make a new place for yourself that no longer includes your pet friend.

Stage IV.  Reinvest in a New Relationship/Activities

This is not always the case, and society often views animals as replaceable. They are not. We need to have said good-bye emotionally to our previous pet friend before we can start over with a new pet friend. Then we can re-experience the joy of a new relationship while still cherishing the good and no longer painful memories of a pet that played an important role in our life. It is important to realize that joy can once again return and that the pain will lessen and eventually disappear, leaving us with the memories. (Worden JW: The four tasks of mourning. In Worden JW: Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. New York New York, Springer, 1982, pp 11-16)

(See Some Helpful Suggestions After Pet Loss)

If and when you are ready to re-invest in a new pet relationship there are organizations that support and offer pet adoption (see Best Friends [Utah] or Animal Friends [Pittsburgh, PA]) and there is always the local animal shelter.

If you have recently experienced a Loss of your Pet and have a question for PsychOptions™  or you feel you would benefit from some sessions  with PsychOptions™, please go to our Registration site and we'll  provide you with support during this period of loss.